WORDS OF PAIN- Prologue -( skip to the poetry ) Okay, where do I start...there was this sweet angel of a girl. Her name was Priya. A girl whose physical beauty was wonderfully complimented by the beauty of her inner light. A dear friend amongst a circle of close friends whom did many things together as a group. Clubs. Parties. Theatre. Festivals. Nearly everything. And everywhere she went, she always carried her shy closed-mouth smile. But she had a flaw as beauty always does...two actually. A heroin addiction and a controlling boyfriend who nurtured it. Actually, it was an addiction to both that slowly created turmoil within the circle...and between us. I remember offering a quiet ear when she needed to express the conflict within...sometimes a shoulder for her pain filled tears. But in time comes the realization that you cannot help those who will not help themselves. And within that time, somehow, we parted ways. Fast forward six months. I was helping a new friend move into her new house. I remember vividly the beautiful sunny day when my cellphone rang. It was Priya. I listened as she told me her now ex-boyfriend became physically abusive...he was now in jail for possession...how she took back her life...and that she put herself through rehab. She has been clean for four months and needed positive people within her new path in life. And her first thought was of me. I knew this took much courage to do this...both rehab and the call. I told her how very proud I was of her and coincidentally, had an extra ticket to see "Everything But The Girl" that night and invited her. The concert was amazing. We stood about ten feet from the stage and sang all our favorite songs. When the song "Missing" began to play, I asked her to dance...and we twirled as much as we could on the crowded concert floor. She later confessed that it was the first time she ever danced with anyone. We quickly became friends again. Having fun once again with me finding much joy seeing her within her new life. I was deeply proud of her. Deeply. Then she disappeared. Without a word. After a couple weeks, and through her parents, I found her. The "ex" was released from jail and came back into her life...and brought with him the gift of her old addiction. I was angry. Disappointed. I felt bretrayed. With much conviction, she told me how she loved him and couldn't leave him. I've heard this too many times before and know all too well its consequences. And we drifted apart once again. Fast forward two months. The next day was November 4th...my birthday. I knew my friends were planning something sinister. And they didn't fail me. We literally took over the Magic Stick downtown as all my friends, close and casual, were there. We drank...played pool...bowled...and chummed together. At one point, amongst the countless shots and drinks, I was gang chased around the bar and held bent over on the pool table as some gave their complimentary spankings. It was literally the best birthday I've had in my entire life. Fun with a capital F-U-N! I was driven home around 4 or 5am and slept the next day away. Well, most of the day until the phone began ringing. I answered. It was Priya's mother. With her frail voice, she told me that the boyfriend was put back in jail again for drug possession a few days back. And last night, Priya, left alone in their apartment...took a gun...and ended her life... . . . . . Precious angel Rest your weary soul In a world full of darkness You brought such beautiful light And we will never forget you (Rest In Peace) 11/7/96 . . . It was true since the beginning That nothing existed before you But you left without knowing That you have always held my fate A fate that has now turned against me 11/10/96 . . . I am ashamed to admit That I always see the darkness before it comes I welcome the misery of my life falling around me And find comfort within the soothing pain it brings Waiting for it to pass with dreams of light that never follows 11/10/96 . . . Loneliness in a sea of faces Eyes glancing but not seeing Uncaring about what you hold inside Only concerned about what they want to see What they think they see Do they see the hopes that are draped by insecurities? Do they see the dreams that are clouded by despair? Perhaps they're blind because they just don't care Concerning themselves with only their own pleasures And not about the things that really matter 11/10/96 . . . Sleep, sweet angel, sleep Dream of a light to consume your pain Dance within the warmth of it's embrace And find comfort in it's deception of peace For the coldness of awakening comes painfully near 11/10/96 . . . We have forgotten how to laugh We have forgotten how to smile We have everything we want Yet truly have nothing Except our needs for something more 11/12/96 . . . Pain and suffering were sent to me today In a crashing wave that quickly pulled me under And left me drowning within it's undertow With nothing left to hold on to But weariness for this world 11/12/96 . . . Stop asking why I hurt for you can never understand Stop trying to share your joy for the pain clings too deep Just softly turn down your light and let the shadows comfort me And allow me to embrace my illusions alone That the screaming will someday be silent 11/12/96 . . . Turn away and hide your tears Let the memories control all consciousness Be silent and push the pain inwards Let it tear the very fabric of your essence And realize that no one's going to save you 11/14/96 . . . It's always the same I give everything that I have Everything that I am And yet always receive Nothing in return I try not to forget That I have my own needs My own unfulfillments But their whispers for salvation Always overwhelm my screams for the same I wish that I could eventually learn That I don't owe anything to this world And hold on tight to my own shred of sanity Cleansed without the corruption of theirs Without the remorse, without the guilt 11/27/96 . . . It's sad that in time Some words lose their meaning Magical words that meant everything to me Are now mere mixings of characters Fragmenting my once heart-felt faith in them Peace no longer holds comfort for me Love no longer binds the essence of my soul Joy seems only to be a whisp of a memory From some beautiful forgotten time When the magic was still there 11/27/96 . . . Proudly display your sorrow And nothing else will matter Display your pain for all to see Without fear...without thought For this is the only gift you can offer 01/03/97 . . . All that I have known and seen Emphasized the beauty of depression Each day I feel its rage rushing about me Crashing like a wave of tears against the soul To some day erode it away into nothingness 01/03/97 . . . Sinking for the third time Struggling for just one more breath Reaching out for some salvation To only ensure further entanglement Into the murky depths below 01/03/97 . . . - Epilogue - ( read the prologue ) Odd how one's death can become awakening for another. The end to become the beginning. But also, what a fitting tribute...to live, learn and grow from her life...and life itself. And through this she lives eternally. . . . All words Copyright 1996-1997 Dvs   |
